I fell in love with myself
“We do not believe in ourselves
until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable,
worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch.
Once we believe in ourselves we can risk
curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight
or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”
~ e.e. cummings
I started a couple of days ago with the practice of affectionate perception in every situation I was in. I felt that I was not only blessing every person I met with the energy of affection but every situation and every movement I made.
The quality of this perception is the energy of complete acceptance , combined with an attitude of warmth and approval. Not approval as in a sense of denial of some movement or behavior that I recognize as disruptive or destructive but simply seeing it as “what is” and “approving of” the fact that existence is showing itself “like this right now.” In other words, I have no resistance to or judgment of what is observed. I have a sense of melding with what I observe. It is observation -- becoming one with -- what is observed and there is an embracing of it, like a mother holding a child close to her bosom. It is an owning of all I encounter as “me.” And thus there is no disapproval: “This is not as it should be, not what I want.”
Affectionate perception is always in the now moment, because it is based in the direct perception of what is happening. There is a focus of observation that excludes thoughts of anything that is not here, now. This observation sharpens as I begin to sense a strong interest in what I perceive. It is as if I am using this energy as my light beam, like a flashlight in a dark room revealing what is in the space. Affectionate perception reveals to me the world in a never-before-seen way.
Affectionate perception originates in me. I understand there is an energy called “love” that I am the source of. Affectionate perception is a way of looking upon anything with love. Consciously looking at the world with this love affects the world as I look upon it. Affectionate perception perseveres in beaming affection, acceptance, compassion and caring, even in the face of a world that appears to be unreceptive or unresponsive to this form of love energy.
It is deeply empowering to be active in this way, as I am exercising my innate ability to choose willfully how I want to interface with manifested, physical reality. The focused attention that goes hand in hand with affectionate perception gives me the feedback that I am affecting my world directly. I see people’s faces soften, their eyes twinkle and their voices and actions mellow. Of course, I also take in the perception of those who are in such suffering or discomfort that they seemingly are not receptive of this energy from me. Then, compassion lights up in me and my heart opens even more, sending to them what I can to soothe their hurt.
This understanding led to yesterday’s experience of the pure energy of observation.
When observation is free of prejudice, preference or value judgments of any kind, then its quality is as a beam of light of pure awareness. It is as if awareness is closing the circuit of energy flow between the expressions of consciousness as Source-in-form and itself as the observer. Then the two merge and meld. The observer is no longer separate from the observed. This happens spontaneously, as one focuses on pure observation, pure direct perception. Here, too, there is no space for thoughts of yesterday or tomorrow. No space for regrets or hopes. All energy is focused in this present moment, in this place here. This focus is not concentration or effort but rather like a child fascinated by a bug crawling in the grass. The child enters into the bug’s world, in which blades of grass are tall trees. Due to his interest in taking in the newness and freshness of the bug’s world, the child’s attention is naturally drawn there. And so, I am enthralled with the freshness and aliveness I perceive; this experience is me as the experience of the world. Yet, I am the subject, together with all around me and I set the tone, the frequency: all is good; all is life; all is caring; all is love.
Today my focus is drawn to my closest world – me. I am pulled into (willingly) the world of my 70 Trillion cells I call “me.” I feel the weight of each foot on the ground, of my limbs as I move about, of my thoughts and images, of each breath. Then something wonderful happens: I am good. I am more than good; I am amazing, magnificent and that feeling includes every little ache and pain, every discomfort I sense, as I begin to move after the night’s rest. I am in love with myself! Yes, this is the basic taboo, the spell we succumb to at some point during childhood: you should not – you dare not – love yourself. That is bad!
What a joy to unreservedly and uninhibitedly fall in love with myself, with all I am, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. To meld with my own beingness and finally enjoy my self! With this experience of my closest world as something exquisitely delightful, I move and connect with – merge with – other spheres of this one being in the correct frequency. Now, all makes sense and there is a supreme order to everything, which has its foundation in me. I have discovered the order, the falling-into-place of heretofore disjointed elements of myself. Now I am whole, not through any action or change of behavior but through right seeing of what is and has always been. I was merely blinded by the error in my own self-perception. By giving my whole attention to this distortion of “seeing,” it is released and seeing is clear once again. And the clearing of seeing, through pure observation, is a way of life that calls for perpetual diligence. Some call it meditation. Some call it bliss. Some call it Oneness. Some call it Love.